my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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