I met the friendliest cop last night
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
