i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
