I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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