you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
