I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
