he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
