I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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