i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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