After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
