omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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