thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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