woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
