this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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