and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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