Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
