R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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