So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
