Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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