I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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