I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
