I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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