My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
