i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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