The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
