While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
