nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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