I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
