while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
