The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
