um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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