Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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