someone threw a dead crab at me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
