Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
