she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
