I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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