Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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