Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
