he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She bit a glass in half.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
