I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
