swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Drake has all the answers
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
