I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
