i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
