i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
