How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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