Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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