You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
