I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Shame - the story of my life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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