Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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