So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
